June 5th. The day I usually dread, the day that
two of my heroes left this earth. My nephew Eric in 2009, my Daddy in 2010. It’s
been a difficult day for the past several years.
I’ve written notes & blogs about this day before on my
social media, usually my private pages. Some days I want to share the tragic
twists in my journey because I know others relate and unity helps in the
healing/grieving process. Other days, I want to guard my memories like precious
gems, keeping them private and personal. I waffle between these emotions but
ultimately, sharing wins out. I’ve had several people who have lost family
members, especially mothers, reach out to me and tell me how sharing my journey
has helped them. How talking about our family’s struggles has resonated with
them. And to me, that’s what it’s all about. We are here to help each other.
But I also understand that many people in my own family are
very private about these same matters so striking a balance is not easy. I’m a
writer so the way I communicate my feelings is through words. I’m also a
photographer so I often post pictures of my heroes, to remember and celebrate
them. I’m in the mood to blog today, as a tribute to Eric & Daddy, on the anniversary
of the date they both said goodbye. At least, goodbye for now.
When I think of the day my nephew passed away, all that
comes to mind is chaos. Nothing made sense. I was so angry, I couldn’t even go
to his funeral. I didn’t get full closure for a very long time. Just recently,
I’ve found a more constant peace about it. I used to cry whenever I thought of him,
now I smile. I still have hard moments, where nothing makes sense all over
again. But the loving bond we shared put magic back in my heart. He taught me
so much about bravery and love. He is my hero. I’m
blessed for knowing him.
Pediatric cancer may have broken his body but it never
killed his spirit. Losing him crippled me for so long but the love we shared
has saved me over and over again. I remember him now, happy and strong. Eric
was a very good dancer. He was so full of joy. Some of my happiest days were
spent holding his hand and watching cartoons. He made me feel 4-years-old all
over again.
When I think of the day my Daddy died, I feel lost. Yet, at
the same time, THAT is the moment I became an adult. I was 35 and hadn’t really
grown-up yet. Not really. I’d always been a Daddy’s girl, so just as part of me
felt lost and scared, I suddenly felt more alert and in charge. I was the last one in the hospital room with
Daddy when the funeral home came to get him. He had been in a coma since June 1st,
after being revived from a fatal heart attack but never regained full awareness. Every minute seemed like an
eternity. But when it was over, everything seemed to speed up, it was all
happening so fast. I couldn’t bear to let him go but I knew that the time had finally come.
I was in a better place,
emotionally than I had been a year before. I did go to Daddy’s funeral. It was
the most beautiful service I’d ever been to, the most fitting for my Daddy. I
just kept thinking about my very early years in Paducah with him. I don’t know
why my mind was stuck in the late 70s, but certainly was…the days of getting
bouncy-balls from the quarter machines at Kroger, listening to him singing
Elvis songs, and going to the movies downtown.
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| Me & Daddy circa 1976 |
Since his passing, I have also
found peace, especially since I believe that he and Eric are together
again. They were especially close and it is comforting to think of them
together in a better world.
When I had heart surgery in 2012, I had to make peace with
my entire life, just in case it didn’t work. Just in case it was my last day.
When June 5th comes around each year, I think of my two heroes and
remember when they said goodbye. But also today, like every day, I think of the
lives they lived, the joy they brought me, and our cherished memories. I am
very blessed to have loved & been loved by two special people that we once
called Big E & Little E. Earl & Eric. My daddy & nephew.
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| Daddy & Eric 2007 |
EARL LYNN GREGORY: Aug. 8, 1949 – June 5, 2010
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